cuts will be cuts. cuts will bleed. i still havent gotten rid of that horrible habit of mine. yet again, i proved myself wrong. as stupid as i can be, i did it.

i broke down this afternoon. i really couldnt take it anymore. i just teared up for no apparent reason. the pain was there, but the motive was not. but it hurt, it hurt so badly. i wish i knew what was wrong with me so i could live a normal life again. a normal life with her. i love her so dearly and now im stuck on my own yet again. loneliness is just in my blood. somehow i cant get rid of it.

i felt so down today i just wanted to take the knife and slit my wrist. i hate myself. people who hate themselves most probably would commit suicide right? well, soon enough, it will happen. one way or another. ill wait.

im no superman.
rick.

i have been such a hopeless wreck. never have i imagined that i would end up like this again. maybe i am just an emotional wreck. maybe thats it.

for the past month or so, i felt what it was like to be loved again. but that was short lived by my emotions running wild. i just went hay wire. i let go of someone who really cares for me for who i really am and not just for the outside. i regret my actions but i try not to now. i'd rather let her be happy with someone else then let me be screwing her life up like i used to with jac.

i just cant take it anymore. cuts will come. cuts will bleed. i love pain.

rick.

i know for a fact that my life has changed. for the better or worse, i am still to find out. i still feel that life has it's little quest and mission for me. i do not know where to go and which path to take. little by little, i tend to move forward and backward, constantly getting confused of what am i suppose to be doing. life now has taken a toll on me. it has probably taken over my life. regaining it back just means that i have to strive and fight harder to win back my life i once had. life i once enjoyed to the fullest, life i once felt happy for, life which i would have died for.

i have never learnt so much in so little time. many people has cross my path and i thank them, sincerely from my heart. but the real problem here is me. i cant seem to find out what is really wrong with me. i cant seem to find the right way when everyone is pointing at the right direction. i tend to get lost easily with or without help. finding refuge in someone is what i do best. getting out of my comfort zone is not. but there is always this feeling that tells me to get out of it and live life. i do not want to stay this way forever as i do not know how long i can take this anymore. people may think that i am such a loser or fool for feeling this way but i cant help it, nor can anyone else.

greed has been seeing eye to eye with me or the other way around. either way, greed is what everyone wants. greed makes people do stupid little things. it tends to make us all confused and with that, we end up doing something we would regret sooner or later. i know i have.

today would most probably be the last time i cried of the past. no more tears over spilt milk.
rick.

here we go again. it's been awhile since i listened to avril's old cd. i got so emotional over it. probably broke me down for the whole night. anyways, we went to eat at new paris tonight. i was being a pig and ate three servings of rice. how greedy of me! oh well. growing little boy im. after that we headed off to the pasar malam at ss2. nothing much there. just walked around and look see.

after that we came back. felt so icky that i didnt shower after such a long day. fyi, i was in college in the morning. trying to catch up with my studies in the college library as i cant really study at home. yupyup. after showering, i asked sarah if she could poke some pimples for me. hahha she actually did! she's a qualified beautician whattt!! finally my pimples will get out and be gone! i hate pimples! so yeah. thats that. now im off to bed. been a long day. i need rest. nites.

that last kiss i'll cherish until we meet again and time makes it harder. your memory, you visit me in my sleep, my darling.
rick.

italy won! why? sigh... totally unexpected. oh well ... you win some and you lose some! :)

anyhow, todays been interesting. went to nilai to help sarah to move out. got to see some hot china chicks but after hearing crazy stuff from sy, sarah and mode, i changed my mind! hahhaa. are they that ... unhygenic? eeee ... heheheheheh anyways, after packing everything, we went for dinner and then went to play pool at a nearby place. got to see a few more chicks there. nilai is full of em! mostly china chicks though. so yeah.

we played until it was around 12. went back, everyone rested and got ready for the world cup finals. hahaha all of us were sitting in the living room, having our own munchies and drinks in hand. even jaivin and his cousin came over. rather interesting match though. loved it until the end.

life's been dealing with me quite ... normally lately. theres always this roller coaster ride i take which makes me go haywire once in a while. you know, you tend to look back into your past and remember the places you've been and such. that really pulls me down alot. i wouldnt want to go back to KK because of the feelings i felt there. nor do i want to go to genting. those places has such huge impact on me. if i ever went to those places now, i would most probably break down on the spot. why? because it felt so wonderful back then. it felt like it was a fairy tale that always ends with happy endings but we all know that fairy tales and happy endings never exist in this cruel world. i learnt that the hard way. now, im slowly getting up on my two feet. trying to recover from what has broken me into pieces. how long more will this last, honestly, i do not know. i would want it to end as soon as possible so i can move on ... but unfortunately ... im still not dealing with the real problem. me. oh well ... life is life. get on with it they all say.

my darling, who knew ... i miss you.
rick.

been the same lately. nothing really special. on and off craziness, doubts, sadness, tears and such. fun huh?

anyhoot, i feel like shit almost every single day. i need someone to hug, to love, to kiss, to adore, to admire, to enlighten me, to free me, to love me.

lost in my own little world, this little boy aint got anything right in his life anymore. he wants to feel love again. he misses his ex so much. he doesnt know why. even though she practically destroyed his life, he still loves her. weird huh? he just wants to spend some time with her to see what would go on. but he knows nothing would ever be again. so he knows. it would never be. nothing would ever be. he's lost.

rick.

life has been a bugger. hard to move on. hard to let go. hard to do anything right anymore.

i gave the thank you gift to her today. she liked it and said it was beautiful. i was glad that she liked it. tomorrow i am going to have a five hour break. i dont know what i would do. i wouldnt want to go home and go back to class. i think i'd just stay in the library and read some books. get me going. the sylybus this year is quite interesting. having budgeting (similar to accounts) and all the usual stuff i had last term. we had this meeting about our placement for our industry training. i was thinking about going to langkawi to work. it should be good as everything is duty free. love that place! :)

anyways. time to go to bed. early class and late class tomorrow.
cheerio :)

rick.

nothing that interesting anymore. classes started this week. missed two days of classes. so yeah. been football crazy. france won, obviously. lets see who will win the finals.

who knew.

rick.

everythings been a mess. a big terrible mess i left behind. this is getting to me. not just that one problem, but everything. but how do you put everything together? how to you patch things up? it's all up to me to do that. no else would be there to fix my mistakes but me. sometimes it's just so hard to carry on like this. to just live life as it is. constant headaches come and go, breakdowns, tears and what not. it is going to drive me insane sooner or later. i can tell.

but how do you save a life when it is already broken down? broken up into a million pieces. find all the pieces back and patch things up? you would obviously loose a few pieces after all the small cracks and chips. i can never be the same again. i can never love again. i dont want to love again. being hurt so many times is just not my cup of tea. i give up on relationships. i wont make anything happen. when it comes, it comes. thats my perspective now. nothing more. hell no.

i've been through all the heartache i can possibly think of. i've had enough of it. there's always this saying ... parents dont burry their children, the children burry their parents. i wouldnt mind having me burried first. but would my parents mind? of course they would. they raised me with all their love and energy. but what can i say? when my time comes, it comes. if i have to force it, i will. thats that.

rick.

sunday ... 7.10am. awake. hungry. pissy.

portugal beat england and france killed brazil. how fun is that? :)

i hate liars. liars like that little witch. no wonder when her brother went to the bomoh and asked about his relationship with his girlfriend, the bomoh pointed his finger at her, saying that she is the cause of it. i dont know whats wrong with her. she's just out to get me. make me go mad. make me go crazy. i just might.

i freaking hate this. she's just gone overboard this time. really and seriously. so stop it, please.

i bought her something special. just a little token of appreciation for everything she's done for me. it cost me rm129 but it's all worth it. getting a job soon. yupyup. more income.

i would like to go to bamiyan one day. see the craziness of it all. watching national geographic about the place now. poor place. sad.

rick.

i cant sleep for fucks sake. i hate being this way at this time of hour.

she messaged me on wednesday or thursday saying that our trip is this weekend. which i was thinking about ever since she called me in the start of the month. i held my stand and didnt let her push me around. she said she was not pushing me, on going. but she did it indirectly which was totally ... out of this world. i talked to sy before making my finaly decision. asking him for advice. he asked me to stand up for myself and if he was me, he would say no, but it was totally up to me for my final decision. so i decided not to go. but guess what happens NOW. i cant stop thinking about it. i dont know why i cant and i keep dreaming about the past when i try to fall asleep. this is going overboard as i cant take it any longer. sooner or later i am going to explode. i told myself that i will not bother about her anymore. but look at me now ... it is still coming back. it is still killing me slowly. this is insane. i am going insane of this. i just wished i'd rewind time and never come to kl.

this holidays might just be the most boring holiday i would have ever gotten. well, nothing beats the holiday i had last term after my breakup. but this comes second. the fact that i cant do anything. the fact that i am driving myself insane over a small matter. i cant take it any longer.

i cant stop thinking about her. she is constantly in my mind. why? i dont know why...i wish i knew so i'd try to reverse it. but unfortunately i am stupid. very stupid. probably the most stupid human being there is. i cant take it any longer.

i cant take it any longer ... i cant ... i cant.

rick.